Can you recollect a day where you woke up at 5:00 am, got ready quickly and waited to do something exciting? Was it your college annual day function? Or a competitive exam? Or maybe a first date? Maybe it was your wedding day. Is it Monday morning to work? If the answer is the last, surely you are a happy employee.
Though the above occasions may not have a lot in common, excitement and motivation can be attributed to almost all of them. However, at the workplace, it is almost impossible to find both or any one of these attributes daily. But, being happy or unhappy is always in our hands. That's the choice we make and we are the creators of the outcome by our actions. Let's look at what might make an employee unhappy.
• Unfair rewards and recognition
• Office politics
• Un-cooperative team
• Unreasonable boss
• Insufficient compensation
• Constant threat to job security
• Lack of responsibility in the current job
• No clear career path
• Seating location
• Lack of basic facilities at workplace
And the list goes on and on. Some of these things may not really propel an employee to quit, but it might lead to negative energy which leads to low productivity. When an employee is under-productive he or she will be the first target when companies look for opportunities to give pink slips.
As mentioned earlier, being happy is always in your hands. A happy employee is more productive and gives more than an unhappy employee. So let's look at some ways to up the happiness factor.
1. Plan your week on Sunday night
Look at your work calendar and plan your week on Sunday night or Monday morning. This would include important meetings, deliverables, a brief summary of things that are pending from last week and any tasks to be achieved during the week. Though this might look like a time management tip, at the end of the week, on Friday night when you re-visit what you have achieved over the last five days, the satisfaction is immense.
2. Undertake activities that you are passionate about even though it might not be in your job profile
Start an initiative that you would love to do irrespective of whether it is required for you to do or not.
• Send a daily newsletter to your team on the topics that most of them will be interested.
• Do a presentation on the topic that you are passionate about.
• Organise a small sports event for your team.
• Call everyone in your team for a team coffee, breakfast or lunch break
• Appreciate colleagues in your team or in a cross-functional team who did a great job
• Write a poem on your team's achievements
• Arrange a potluck lunch
3. Do not indulge in the blame game
If something goes wrong do not blame others blindly. If you commit a mistake, do not hesitate to accept it. As Gauthama Buddha said, there are three things we can't hide for long: the sun, earth and the truth. Accepting your mistake gracefully will only make you look like a true professional and also give you the satisfaction of not cheating.
4. Communicate more often in person
Utilise all the opportunities where you can speak to an individual in person rather than e-mail or phone. But be aware of the other person's time and availability. Listening to a positive answer from a person will give you more happiness than if it is done over the phone or via e-mail.
5. Know what is happening at your workplace
Will this make a person happy? Truly, yes! Imagine a cricket team that doesn't know how many runs to score to win a match? More than losing the game, the player will never be interested or motivated to play well.
Attend all meetings that are addressed by the CEO to your immediate manager to know what is going to happen around you. It could be the company's growth plan or your department's next big project. Jack Welch mentions in his book Winning "every employee, not just the senior people, should know how a company is doing."
You will also get an extra edge if you are in a position to answer queries raised by your peers or juniors. This is not just for the good reasons, but bad reasons as well. You do not want to be the last employee to know if your company is laying off employees (in the worst case, if you are the one who is on that list).
6. Participate in organisation-level activities
This could be as simple as spending one weekend for a corporate social responsibility activity or attending a recruitment drive to help your HR team or arranging a technical/sports event at the organisational level. Most of these events will be successful as people do come on their own to contribute.
7. Have a hobby that keeps you busy and happy
Many people say their hobby is watching TV or listening to music or reading the newspaper. These aren't hobbies, they are just ways of passing the time. Some hobbies are evergreen and will keep you evergreen as well: dancing, painting, writing short stories, poems, blogs and sharing your experiences.
8. Take up a sport
While choosing a sport make sure that there is physical activity. There is the danger of becoming addicted to sports where there is less physical activity (like computer games, chess, cards etc). Physical activity keeps a person healthy and happy. If you pick up one sport well, you can represent your organisation in corporate sports event too.
9. Keep yourself away from office politics
Politics, as a practice, whatever its profession, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds. -- Henry Brooks Adams
Politics is everywhere and the office is no exception. Playing politics might be beneficial but only for the short term. So the best thing to do is play fair.
10. Wish and smile
More often than not, there are fair chances that the other person will smile back. This could be your security guard at the gate, your receptionist, your office boy, your CEO or your manager -- never forget to wish them and smile.
11. Volunteer for some activity
"The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving." � Albert Einstein
Do at least one activity without expecting anything in return. There is no set frequency for this. This could be once in a day or once in a week or thrice in a week. It could be as simple as making tea at the office for your colleague, helping a colleague who is working in another department by using your skills, dropping your colleague at his door step in your car, going to your manager or colleague to ask if there is any help you can extend, contributing to technical or knowledge management communities in your organisation etc.
Monday, October 12, 2009
How To Be An Effective Communicator
A young man whom I had known since he was in high school stopped by to see me and proudly display his new MBA.
"I know a master's degree alone doesn't guarantee success," he said. "What do you think is the most important quality for someone who wants to become a business leader?"
I answered without hesitation: The ability to communicate.
Individuals who communicate effectively with people at all levels, of both genders, and from a variety of cultures and backgrounds are today's pacesetters.
In the old-style hierarchical, authoritarian setting, communication is relatively simple. The top person tells the underlings to jump, and the underlings need only ask, "How high?"
In a modern organization, communication requires more finesse. The leader is not a transmitter of commands but a creator of motivational environments.
The workers are not robots responding to switches and levers, but thinking individuals pouring their ingenuity into the corporate purpose.
The corporate ideal is not mechanical stability, but dynamic, innovative, continuous change.
The leader who can't communicate can't create the conditions that motivate. The genius who can't communicate is intellectually impotent. The organization that can't communicate can't change, and the corporation that can't change is dead.
The good news is that anyone can become an effective communicator. The door to effective communication will open to anyone who uses these five keys:
1. Desire.
Human infants have an inborn desire to communicate, and that desire enables them to pick up words quickly and to enlarge their vocabularies continuously.
That same kind of desire can enable you to enlarge your stock of words and improve your skill in employing them. Demosthenes, the Greek orator, had a desire to achieve eloquence after he was hissed and booed off the platform in Athens.
He cultivated the art of speech writing, then went to the shores of the Aegean Sea, where he strengthened his voice by shouting into the wind for hours at a time.
To improve his diction, he practiced speaking with pebbles in his mouth. To overcome his fear, he practiced with a sword hanging over his head. To clarify his presentation, he studied the techniques of the masters.
Today, more than 2,000 years later, the name Demosthenes is synonymous with oratorical eloquence.
2. Understanding the Process.
Reduced to basics, communication consists of sending and receiving messages.
Language is the primary conveyer of thoughts and ideas. It turns abstract concepts into words that symbolize those thoughts. Those words take the form of spoken sounds or written symbols.
If the mind can immediately translate the sounds and symbols into mental pictures, communication becomes much more vivid and much more meaningful. If I say "I want a desk for my office," my listener has only a vague and general idea of what I want. If I say "I want a brown walnut desk," the listener has a more vivid mental picture.
The more skillful you become at conveying images, the more effective your communication will be.
3. Master the basic skills.
Some people think the first requisite for good communication is an exhaustive vocabulary. Some people think it's impossible to communicate well without first absorbing a heavy dose of grammar, then memorizing a dictionary of English usage.
Words are important. Good grammar is important. And yes, it helps to know which words and expressions are considered standard and which are considered substandard among educated people.
But slavish allegiance to the rules of grammar can actually impede communication. People will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid usage that somebody has pronounced "ungrammatical" or "substandard." In the process, they forget the most important rule of communication: Make it clear and understandable.
The vocabulary you use in every-day speech has probably served you well. You use the words that you understand. Chances are, they're the words your friends, colleagues and employees understand.
If you try to use words beyond the vocabularies of the people you're trying to communicate with, you're not communicating; you're showing off.
Read the Gettysburgh Address, the Sermon on the Mount or Robert Frost's poetry. The communications that endure are written in plain, simple language.
4. Practice.
I remember a story that gave me inspiration. A young musician had listened with awe as a piano virtuoso poured all his love and all his skill into a complex selection of great compositions.
"It must be great to have all the practicing behind you and be able to sit down and play like that," he said.
"Oh," said the master musician, "I still practice eight hours every day."
"But why?" asked the astounded young man. "You're already so good!"
"I want to become superb," replied the older man.
I teach communication skills to thousands of people each year, through seminars, audio tapes, videotapes and books. Most of the people I reach are content to become good. Few are willing to invest the extra effort to become superb.
To become superb, you have to practice. It isn't enough to know what it takes to connect with people, to influence their behavior, to create a motivational environment for them, to help them to identify with your message. The techniques of communication have to become part of your daily activity, so that they are as natural to you as swimming is to a duck. The more you practice these techniques, the easier you'll find it to connect with people, whether you're dealing with individuals one-on-one or with a group of thousands.
5. Patience.
Nobody becomes a polished, professional communicator on the first try. It takes patience. A few years ago, William White, a journalism and English instructor, edited a book of early writings by Ernest Hemingway. The young Hemingway was a reporter for a Toronto newspaper, and this book was a collection of his articles written between 1920 and 1924.
The writing was good, but it was not superb. It gave a faint foregleam of the masterful storyteller who would emerge in The Old Man and the Sea, but it wasn't the Hemingway of literary legend.
What was lacking?
Experience. The genius was there all along, but it needed to incubate. The sands of time can abrade or polish. It depends on whether you use your time purposely or let it pass haphazardly.
Acquiring skill as a communicator requires constant, careful, loving attention to the craft.
The cub reporter didn't transform himself into a successful novelist through one blinding flash of literary insight. Like most people, he progressed from the "good" to the "superb" through hundreds of tiny improvements from day to day.
You can use the five keys to effective communication in many settings, under a variety of circumstances. You can be a virtuoso at inspiring your work force, at negotiating business deals, at marketing your products and at building a positive corporate image. All these are important communication skills. But always remember: Whatever communication task you undertake, your objective is to connect with people.
"I know a master's degree alone doesn't guarantee success," he said. "What do you think is the most important quality for someone who wants to become a business leader?"
I answered without hesitation: The ability to communicate.
Individuals who communicate effectively with people at all levels, of both genders, and from a variety of cultures and backgrounds are today's pacesetters.
In the old-style hierarchical, authoritarian setting, communication is relatively simple. The top person tells the underlings to jump, and the underlings need only ask, "How high?"
In a modern organization, communication requires more finesse. The leader is not a transmitter of commands but a creator of motivational environments.
The workers are not robots responding to switches and levers, but thinking individuals pouring their ingenuity into the corporate purpose.
The corporate ideal is not mechanical stability, but dynamic, innovative, continuous change.
The leader who can't communicate can't create the conditions that motivate. The genius who can't communicate is intellectually impotent. The organization that can't communicate can't change, and the corporation that can't change is dead.
The good news is that anyone can become an effective communicator. The door to effective communication will open to anyone who uses these five keys:
1. Desire.
Human infants have an inborn desire to communicate, and that desire enables them to pick up words quickly and to enlarge their vocabularies continuously.
That same kind of desire can enable you to enlarge your stock of words and improve your skill in employing them. Demosthenes, the Greek orator, had a desire to achieve eloquence after he was hissed and booed off the platform in Athens.
He cultivated the art of speech writing, then went to the shores of the Aegean Sea, where he strengthened his voice by shouting into the wind for hours at a time.
To improve his diction, he practiced speaking with pebbles in his mouth. To overcome his fear, he practiced with a sword hanging over his head. To clarify his presentation, he studied the techniques of the masters.
Today, more than 2,000 years later, the name Demosthenes is synonymous with oratorical eloquence.
2. Understanding the Process.
Reduced to basics, communication consists of sending and receiving messages.
Language is the primary conveyer of thoughts and ideas. It turns abstract concepts into words that symbolize those thoughts. Those words take the form of spoken sounds or written symbols.
If the mind can immediately translate the sounds and symbols into mental pictures, communication becomes much more vivid and much more meaningful. If I say "I want a desk for my office," my listener has only a vague and general idea of what I want. If I say "I want a brown walnut desk," the listener has a more vivid mental picture.
The more skillful you become at conveying images, the more effective your communication will be.
3. Master the basic skills.
Some people think the first requisite for good communication is an exhaustive vocabulary. Some people think it's impossible to communicate well without first absorbing a heavy dose of grammar, then memorizing a dictionary of English usage.
Words are important. Good grammar is important. And yes, it helps to know which words and expressions are considered standard and which are considered substandard among educated people.
But slavish allegiance to the rules of grammar can actually impede communication. People will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid usage that somebody has pronounced "ungrammatical" or "substandard." In the process, they forget the most important rule of communication: Make it clear and understandable.
The vocabulary you use in every-day speech has probably served you well. You use the words that you understand. Chances are, they're the words your friends, colleagues and employees understand.
If you try to use words beyond the vocabularies of the people you're trying to communicate with, you're not communicating; you're showing off.
Read the Gettysburgh Address, the Sermon on the Mount or Robert Frost's poetry. The communications that endure are written in plain, simple language.
4. Practice.
I remember a story that gave me inspiration. A young musician had listened with awe as a piano virtuoso poured all his love and all his skill into a complex selection of great compositions.
"It must be great to have all the practicing behind you and be able to sit down and play like that," he said.
"Oh," said the master musician, "I still practice eight hours every day."
"But why?" asked the astounded young man. "You're already so good!"
"I want to become superb," replied the older man.
I teach communication skills to thousands of people each year, through seminars, audio tapes, videotapes and books. Most of the people I reach are content to become good. Few are willing to invest the extra effort to become superb.
To become superb, you have to practice. It isn't enough to know what it takes to connect with people, to influence their behavior, to create a motivational environment for them, to help them to identify with your message. The techniques of communication have to become part of your daily activity, so that they are as natural to you as swimming is to a duck. The more you practice these techniques, the easier you'll find it to connect with people, whether you're dealing with individuals one-on-one or with a group of thousands.
5. Patience.
Nobody becomes a polished, professional communicator on the first try. It takes patience. A few years ago, William White, a journalism and English instructor, edited a book of early writings by Ernest Hemingway. The young Hemingway was a reporter for a Toronto newspaper, and this book was a collection of his articles written between 1920 and 1924.
The writing was good, but it was not superb. It gave a faint foregleam of the masterful storyteller who would emerge in The Old Man and the Sea, but it wasn't the Hemingway of literary legend.
What was lacking?
Experience. The genius was there all along, but it needed to incubate. The sands of time can abrade or polish. It depends on whether you use your time purposely or let it pass haphazardly.
Acquiring skill as a communicator requires constant, careful, loving attention to the craft.
The cub reporter didn't transform himself into a successful novelist through one blinding flash of literary insight. Like most people, he progressed from the "good" to the "superb" through hundreds of tiny improvements from day to day.
You can use the five keys to effective communication in many settings, under a variety of circumstances. You can be a virtuoso at inspiring your work force, at negotiating business deals, at marketing your products and at building a positive corporate image. All these are important communication skills. But always remember: Whatever communication task you undertake, your objective is to connect with people.
Table manners and corporate etiquette
There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to...
GENERAL TIP #1: For all questions involving etiquette, just use your brains
Men don't have to get all Victorian and insist on standing up every time a woman leaves or returns to the table. Just be polite. Now, if you're a guest at someone's house, don't sit until the host sits first (unless the host told you to just go sit down at the table). In fact, when dealing with hosts, remember…
GENERAL TIP #2: Never do anything until the host does it first
This includes sit, eat, put your napkin on the table, and leave. After all, the host is paying for the shindig, so at least make him/her feel like (s)he's in charge.
OK, so we've overcome the enormous hurdle of getting your rump into the chair. Now it's time to take inventory and figure out which stuff is yours. We've all gone to a dinner and used our neighbor's fork, glass, bread plate, or husband. My, how embarrassing! So here's a shortcut so that you can know exactly what is yours: (1) Your plate is in the center. (2) Knives and spoons are on your right, and forks and your napkin on the left. (3) Liquids (e.g., your water) go to your right, and solids (e.g., bread plate) go on your left. Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout in front of you may look like:
There might be more forks, knives, or spoons, depending on what the meal is, but you get the general idea. If you need another shortcut, remember that your drink is always on the right because the first two letters in the word "DRink" stand for "Drink Right." Catchy, eh? Just know that your bread plate is on the other side, and you're set!
One note if you happen to be the host: remember that all items (e.g., salad, meal, wine, water) should be brought to each diner's RIGHT, and cleared from each diner's LEFT. That's why the glasses are all on the right.
There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to...
OK, hot shot. You know where your stuff is. But now it's time to know how to use everything properly. Take your napkin and place it in your lap right away when you sit down. (It should never be on the table.) Don't get fancy and try to snap it open. Just put it on your lap (NOT into your shirt). If you're a man, do not put your tie over your shoulder.
Now you can take some bread from the breadbasket. Take only one slice of bread. (It's OK to rip it from the loaf with your hands, but be neat. Don't declare war on the bread and cheer when you get your slice separated.) Here's a common mistake: DO NOT butter your bread at this point. Yeah, you heard us. This is how to do it:
1. Take some butter, and put it on your plate, not on the bread. Now you have your own little pile of butter and won't continually fish from the communal butter dish.
2. Tear a bite-size piece off of your bread.
3. Butter that bite-sized piece from your own little butter pile.
4. Eat it with delight.
The first part of the meal comes: the appetizers. But what utensil should you use? You can find the answer in…
GENERAL TIP #3: Use your utensils from the outside in
The fork furthest to the outside is the one you should use for the appetizer. When the next part of the meal comes, use the next outermost fork, and so on. Same deal goes for the spoons and knives. If you're in a fancy restaurant or a party at Buckingham Palace, you might be lucky enough to have waiters who will remove any utensils you won't need. But even if you do not have this luxury, we still implore: use your brains! You won't use a knife to eat your soup. You won't use a spoon to eat your salad. But let's say that you lose track of your utensils and get lost. Then, proceed to…
GENERAL TIP #4: If you're not sure what to do, wait and see what your neighbor does. If that offers no clue, then just fake it
Chances are, nobody's watching you closely enough to see that you're using your dinner fork instead of the salad fork (the salad fork is the smaller one). Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't make a big deal of it. Just take a guess and eat. If you used the wrong utensil, the waiter will bring you a replacement.
Here is the proper technique for using a fork and knife. Assuming you are right-handed, hold the fork in your left hand and knife in your right. With the tines facing downward (curving towards you), hold down an end-piece of whatever you are cutting (let's assume it's meat). Do not hold the knife or fork like a dagger, but rather, place your index finger along the top of each utensil, holding each at the end. This gives you greater control without looking like you're hacking into the poor dead animal. Gently, using a sawing motion, cut the meat near the tines of the fork, so that you have one bite-sized piece. Then, lay the knife down (without allowing it to touch the table), and switch the fork (complete with pierced meat) to your right hand. Bring it up to your mouth, chew quietly, and swallow when the meat is sufficiently masticated. This is called the American (or Zig-Zag) method of cutting food. The Continental (or European) method consists of not switching hands, and using the left hand for all fork-related activities.
Before we move on, remember the thing we said about not letting the knife touch the table? That's because…
GENERAL TIP #5: You should never let any utensils, once used, EVER touch the table again
This includes leaning a fork onto the plate, or using a knife and putting it back in its original place. The original reason is because the utensil could dirty the tablecloth (a major faux pas) and result in a cleaning bill for the host. So once a utensil is used, it's lifespan is over. Get over it, and leave it on the plate at all times.
One last note should be made about soup. Many people do not know how to correctly use a soup spoon, so we will supply you with…
GENERAL TIP #6: Do not put the entire soup spoon in your mouth
Instead, fill a soup spoon about 75% with soup, bring it up to your mouth, and sip it from the side with as little slurping as possible. When your soup runs low, it's acceptable to tip your bowl away from you so that you can capture the last bits of soup, but don't do that more than twice. And remember to lower your spoon into your soup gently so that it doesn't bang the bottom of the bowl. Imagine 20 people eating soup and banging their bowl bottoms.
So now you are sitting at a lovely dinner, using your eating utensils in the most proper way possible. And then you let an enormous burp fly. Whoops! There are a lot more to table manners than just using the right fork. You also have to have correct manners with regard to how you eat.
Posture
Always sit straight up in your chair, never leaning backward, nor forward. Never let your elbows touch the table (though you can put your hands on the table all you want). When eating, do not bring your face toward the plate (a la a pig's trough), but bring the utensil up to you. You're the master! But what if you drop something? You should suavely signal a waiter so that (s)he could replace the item. (Don't pick up the dirty fork and put it on the table. That's just gross.) But if it's your napkin that escaped, just excuse yourself as you lean down, pick it up, and continue with whatever you were doing.
Passing stuff
If someone asks for something to be passed to him or her, only reach for it if you are the closest one to the item. In that case, take the one item and place it directly next to your neighbor. (Do not pass it hand-to-hand.) Continue passing the item in this manner until the original requester has the item. And oddly enough, you are not allowed to help yourself to the item until the original requester gets a chance at it (after all, (s)he asked first). When that person is done, you can ask the item to be passed back to you, and enjoy!
Salt and pepper
An additional note needs to be made about using salt and pepper: if someone asks you to pass the salt, do it in the same manner above, but pass BOTH the salt and pepper (even if only one of the two were asked for). Again, do not use guerrilla tactics and try to use the salt until after the original requester had a chance with it. Also, NEVER use salt or pepper on your food until after you have already tasted it. It's a huge insult to the cook if you try to add flavor before even tasting it stag. And while we think it's blatantly obvious, we'd feel guilty if we didn't remind you: don't ever season a dish that everyone is supposed to share (not with salt, pepper, catsup, parmesan cheese, not with anything). Keep your own creative additions to your own plate.
"Embarrassing" Moments
Did you burp? Did you spill something? Did your pet monkey poop on the table? To handle these little unfortunate accidents, just try to channel the aura of James Bond and think: be classy, be classy, be classy. If anything comes out of your mouth other than speech (e.g., burp, hiccup, chicken nugget), just excuse yourself quietly (to nobody in particular), and put your napkin to your lips. This is a good time to talk about general napkin etiquette. Never smear your napkin all over your face, or wipe your mouth hard. Just use it to blot your mouth. But if you spill something, then follow…
GENERAL TIP #7: If you spill something, don't make a big deal of it
It happens. Just be calm, quietly apologize, try to prevent anything from spilling over onto the people sitting next to you with your napkin, and get a waiter to help you control the damage. If something spills onto someone's clothes, do NOT try to get it off his or her clothes. That's technically known as a "sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen." Point it out, let them clean it up, offer to pay the dry cleaning bill, and then let it go. Hey, as we all learned when we were two years old, accidents happen, and they can often be wet and messy. Just keep your cool. Oh, and if your pet monkey poops on the table, then carefully remove the primate, and take everyone out to a very expensive restaurant where monkey brains are on the menu. Then everybody will laugh! No.
Using your fingers
A big question regarding eating properly is when it's OK to use your fingers, and when you must use a utensil. While we provide a small list of finger foods, there is a tip you can follow, which is...
GENERAL TIP #8: If you're not sure whether or not you can eat something with your fingers, just use a utensil
Hey, we're not brain surgeons here, but this just makes sense. Better to be over-careful than under-careful. As for foods that you can eat with your fingers, they include:
• artichoke
• asparagus (as long as there is no goo on it, and it's not too long)
• bacon (but only if it is crisp)
• sandwiches
• cookies
• small fruits or berries with stems
• french fries and potato chips
• hamburgers and hot dogs
• corn on the cob
• caviar
• pickles
Pacing
This is not the Indy 500, and the food is not going to walk away. So take your time! Don't fill your mouth with too much food. Try to keep the same eating pace as your host, so that you all finish at the same time. It is not a compliment when someone leans over and says "Boy, good thing you didn't eat the plate" or "Wanna finish some time before the next thaw?"
Mom-isms
Just think of this as the potpourri of things you've heard all your life about table manners. Most of them were 100% correct:
• don't grab food
• don't talk with your mouth full
• chew with your mouth closed and no noise
• excuse yourself if you get up to go somewhere (e.g., bathroom, to make a call)
• don't pick something out of your teeth (just excuse yourself to the bathroom)
• don't leave lipstick smears on anything
• don't put crap on the table (meaning a purse, papers, keys, or monkey poop)
• don't smoke
don't tilt or squirm in your chair
Phew! You made it through the entire meal, and you are just about ready to leave! So how do you end with a good impression (aside from the one you left on the seat)? Well, since you read the section on pacing and everyone else is just about done, here's the landing procedure: place your knife and fork on the plate so that they are parallel to each other, at the eleven o'clock position (a diagonal from bottom right to top left) with the points facing away from you. This is different from the "X" position, with the knife and fork crossing like an X over your plate, which indicates that you are not done with the plate, but merely resting between bites. To correctly use the "X" position, the fork bottom should be on the left, and the knife bottom on the right. Place your napkin next to your plate on the table (but again, NEVER until everyone is done eating and drinking). Place it loosely (not twisted or crumpled) and don't put it on the chair (or the chair might get dirty). And after the bill is paid, stand up, make sure you have your belongings, and get the hell out of that oppressive environment of manners and etiquette and whatnot. Now you can go home, put your smelly old feet on the coffee table, and eat as we were all meant to: stuffing our faces with popcorn and spitting watermelon seeds into a jug that has never been cleaned out -- all the while knowing how to fake good manners with the best of them. Happy dining!
GENERAL TIP #1: For all questions involving etiquette, just use your brains
Men don't have to get all Victorian and insist on standing up every time a woman leaves or returns to the table. Just be polite. Now, if you're a guest at someone's house, don't sit until the host sits first (unless the host told you to just go sit down at the table). In fact, when dealing with hosts, remember…
GENERAL TIP #2: Never do anything until the host does it first
This includes sit, eat, put your napkin on the table, and leave. After all, the host is paying for the shindig, so at least make him/her feel like (s)he's in charge.
OK, so we've overcome the enormous hurdle of getting your rump into the chair. Now it's time to take inventory and figure out which stuff is yours. We've all gone to a dinner and used our neighbor's fork, glass, bread plate, or husband. My, how embarrassing! So here's a shortcut so that you can know exactly what is yours: (1) Your plate is in the center. (2) Knives and spoons are on your right, and forks and your napkin on the left. (3) Liquids (e.g., your water) go to your right, and solids (e.g., bread plate) go on your left. Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout in front of you may look like:
There might be more forks, knives, or spoons, depending on what the meal is, but you get the general idea. If you need another shortcut, remember that your drink is always on the right because the first two letters in the word "DRink" stand for "Drink Right." Catchy, eh? Just know that your bread plate is on the other side, and you're set!
One note if you happen to be the host: remember that all items (e.g., salad, meal, wine, water) should be brought to each diner's RIGHT, and cleared from each diner's LEFT. That's why the glasses are all on the right.
There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to...
OK, hot shot. You know where your stuff is. But now it's time to know how to use everything properly. Take your napkin and place it in your lap right away when you sit down. (It should never be on the table.) Don't get fancy and try to snap it open. Just put it on your lap (NOT into your shirt). If you're a man, do not put your tie over your shoulder.
Now you can take some bread from the breadbasket. Take only one slice of bread. (It's OK to rip it from the loaf with your hands, but be neat. Don't declare war on the bread and cheer when you get your slice separated.) Here's a common mistake: DO NOT butter your bread at this point. Yeah, you heard us. This is how to do it:
1. Take some butter, and put it on your plate, not on the bread. Now you have your own little pile of butter and won't continually fish from the communal butter dish.
2. Tear a bite-size piece off of your bread.
3. Butter that bite-sized piece from your own little butter pile.
4. Eat it with delight.
The first part of the meal comes: the appetizers. But what utensil should you use? You can find the answer in…
GENERAL TIP #3: Use your utensils from the outside in
The fork furthest to the outside is the one you should use for the appetizer. When the next part of the meal comes, use the next outermost fork, and so on. Same deal goes for the spoons and knives. If you're in a fancy restaurant or a party at Buckingham Palace, you might be lucky enough to have waiters who will remove any utensils you won't need. But even if you do not have this luxury, we still implore: use your brains! You won't use a knife to eat your soup. You won't use a spoon to eat your salad. But let's say that you lose track of your utensils and get lost. Then, proceed to…
GENERAL TIP #4: If you're not sure what to do, wait and see what your neighbor does. If that offers no clue, then just fake it
Chances are, nobody's watching you closely enough to see that you're using your dinner fork instead of the salad fork (the salad fork is the smaller one). Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't make a big deal of it. Just take a guess and eat. If you used the wrong utensil, the waiter will bring you a replacement.
Here is the proper technique for using a fork and knife. Assuming you are right-handed, hold the fork in your left hand and knife in your right. With the tines facing downward (curving towards you), hold down an end-piece of whatever you are cutting (let's assume it's meat). Do not hold the knife or fork like a dagger, but rather, place your index finger along the top of each utensil, holding each at the end. This gives you greater control without looking like you're hacking into the poor dead animal. Gently, using a sawing motion, cut the meat near the tines of the fork, so that you have one bite-sized piece. Then, lay the knife down (without allowing it to touch the table), and switch the fork (complete with pierced meat) to your right hand. Bring it up to your mouth, chew quietly, and swallow when the meat is sufficiently masticated. This is called the American (or Zig-Zag) method of cutting food. The Continental (or European) method consists of not switching hands, and using the left hand for all fork-related activities.
Before we move on, remember the thing we said about not letting the knife touch the table? That's because…
GENERAL TIP #5: You should never let any utensils, once used, EVER touch the table again
This includes leaning a fork onto the plate, or using a knife and putting it back in its original place. The original reason is because the utensil could dirty the tablecloth (a major faux pas) and result in a cleaning bill for the host. So once a utensil is used, it's lifespan is over. Get over it, and leave it on the plate at all times.
One last note should be made about soup. Many people do not know how to correctly use a soup spoon, so we will supply you with…
GENERAL TIP #6: Do not put the entire soup spoon in your mouth
Instead, fill a soup spoon about 75% with soup, bring it up to your mouth, and sip it from the side with as little slurping as possible. When your soup runs low, it's acceptable to tip your bowl away from you so that you can capture the last bits of soup, but don't do that more than twice. And remember to lower your spoon into your soup gently so that it doesn't bang the bottom of the bowl. Imagine 20 people eating soup and banging their bowl bottoms.
So now you are sitting at a lovely dinner, using your eating utensils in the most proper way possible. And then you let an enormous burp fly. Whoops! There are a lot more to table manners than just using the right fork. You also have to have correct manners with regard to how you eat.
Posture
Always sit straight up in your chair, never leaning backward, nor forward. Never let your elbows touch the table (though you can put your hands on the table all you want). When eating, do not bring your face toward the plate (a la a pig's trough), but bring the utensil up to you. You're the master! But what if you drop something? You should suavely signal a waiter so that (s)he could replace the item. (Don't pick up the dirty fork and put it on the table. That's just gross.) But if it's your napkin that escaped, just excuse yourself as you lean down, pick it up, and continue with whatever you were doing.
Passing stuff
If someone asks for something to be passed to him or her, only reach for it if you are the closest one to the item. In that case, take the one item and place it directly next to your neighbor. (Do not pass it hand-to-hand.) Continue passing the item in this manner until the original requester has the item. And oddly enough, you are not allowed to help yourself to the item until the original requester gets a chance at it (after all, (s)he asked first). When that person is done, you can ask the item to be passed back to you, and enjoy!
Salt and pepper
An additional note needs to be made about using salt and pepper: if someone asks you to pass the salt, do it in the same manner above, but pass BOTH the salt and pepper (even if only one of the two were asked for). Again, do not use guerrilla tactics and try to use the salt until after the original requester had a chance with it. Also, NEVER use salt or pepper on your food until after you have already tasted it. It's a huge insult to the cook if you try to add flavor before even tasting it stag. And while we think it's blatantly obvious, we'd feel guilty if we didn't remind you: don't ever season a dish that everyone is supposed to share (not with salt, pepper, catsup, parmesan cheese, not with anything). Keep your own creative additions to your own plate.
"Embarrassing" Moments
Did you burp? Did you spill something? Did your pet monkey poop on the table? To handle these little unfortunate accidents, just try to channel the aura of James Bond and think: be classy, be classy, be classy. If anything comes out of your mouth other than speech (e.g., burp, hiccup, chicken nugget), just excuse yourself quietly (to nobody in particular), and put your napkin to your lips. This is a good time to talk about general napkin etiquette. Never smear your napkin all over your face, or wipe your mouth hard. Just use it to blot your mouth. But if you spill something, then follow…
GENERAL TIP #7: If you spill something, don't make a big deal of it
It happens. Just be calm, quietly apologize, try to prevent anything from spilling over onto the people sitting next to you with your napkin, and get a waiter to help you control the damage. If something spills onto someone's clothes, do NOT try to get it off his or her clothes. That's technically known as a "sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen." Point it out, let them clean it up, offer to pay the dry cleaning bill, and then let it go. Hey, as we all learned when we were two years old, accidents happen, and they can often be wet and messy. Just keep your cool. Oh, and if your pet monkey poops on the table, then carefully remove the primate, and take everyone out to a very expensive restaurant where monkey brains are on the menu. Then everybody will laugh! No.
Using your fingers
A big question regarding eating properly is when it's OK to use your fingers, and when you must use a utensil. While we provide a small list of finger foods, there is a tip you can follow, which is...
GENERAL TIP #8: If you're not sure whether or not you can eat something with your fingers, just use a utensil
Hey, we're not brain surgeons here, but this just makes sense. Better to be over-careful than under-careful. As for foods that you can eat with your fingers, they include:
• artichoke
• asparagus (as long as there is no goo on it, and it's not too long)
• bacon (but only if it is crisp)
• sandwiches
• cookies
• small fruits or berries with stems
• french fries and potato chips
• hamburgers and hot dogs
• corn on the cob
• caviar
• pickles
Pacing
This is not the Indy 500, and the food is not going to walk away. So take your time! Don't fill your mouth with too much food. Try to keep the same eating pace as your host, so that you all finish at the same time. It is not a compliment when someone leans over and says "Boy, good thing you didn't eat the plate" or "Wanna finish some time before the next thaw?"
Mom-isms
Just think of this as the potpourri of things you've heard all your life about table manners. Most of them were 100% correct:
• don't grab food
• don't talk with your mouth full
• chew with your mouth closed and no noise
• excuse yourself if you get up to go somewhere (e.g., bathroom, to make a call)
• don't pick something out of your teeth (just excuse yourself to the bathroom)
• don't leave lipstick smears on anything
• don't put crap on the table (meaning a purse, papers, keys, or monkey poop)
• don't smoke
don't tilt or squirm in your chair
Phew! You made it through the entire meal, and you are just about ready to leave! So how do you end with a good impression (aside from the one you left on the seat)? Well, since you read the section on pacing and everyone else is just about done, here's the landing procedure: place your knife and fork on the plate so that they are parallel to each other, at the eleven o'clock position (a diagonal from bottom right to top left) with the points facing away from you. This is different from the "X" position, with the knife and fork crossing like an X over your plate, which indicates that you are not done with the plate, but merely resting between bites. To correctly use the "X" position, the fork bottom should be on the left, and the knife bottom on the right. Place your napkin next to your plate on the table (but again, NEVER until everyone is done eating and drinking). Place it loosely (not twisted or crumpled) and don't put it on the chair (or the chair might get dirty). And after the bill is paid, stand up, make sure you have your belongings, and get the hell out of that oppressive environment of manners and etiquette and whatnot. Now you can go home, put your smelly old feet on the coffee table, and eat as we were all meant to: stuffing our faces with popcorn and spitting watermelon seeds into a jug that has never been cleaned out -- all the while knowing how to fake good manners with the best of them. Happy dining!
The Qualities of Skillful Leadership
If you want to be a leader who attracts quality people, the key is to become a person of quality yourself. Leadership is the ability to attract someone to the gifts, skills, and opportunities you offer as an owner, as a manger, as a parent. I call leadership the great challenge of life.
What's important in leadership is refining your skills. All great leaders keep working on themselves until they become effective. Here are some specifics:
1. Learn to be strong but not rude. It is an extra step you must take to become a powerful, capable leader with a wide range of reach. Some people mistake rudeness for strength. It's not even a good substitute.
2. Learn to be kind but not weak. We must not mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness isn't weak. Kindness is a certain type of strength. We must be kind enough to tell somebody the truth. We must be kind enough and considerate enough to lay it on the line. We must be kind enough to tell it like it is and not deal in delusion.
3. Learn to be bold but not a bully. It takes boldness to win the day. To build your influence, you've got to walk in front of your group. You've got to be willing to take the first arrow, tackle the first problem, discover the first sign of trouble.
4. You've got to learn to be humble, but not timid. You can't get to the high life by being timid. Some people mistake timidity for humility. Humility is almost a Godlike word. A sense of awe. A sense of wonder. An awareness of the human soul and spirit. An understanding that there is something unique about the human drama versus the rest of life. Humility is a grasp of the distance between us and the stars, yet having the feeling that we're part of the stars. So humility is a virtue; but timidity is a disease. Timidity is an affliction. It can be cured, but it is a problem.
5. Be proud but not arrogant. It takes pride to win the day. It takes pride to build your ambition. It takes pride in community. It takes pride in cause, in accomplishment. But the key to becoming a good leader is being proud without being arrogant. In fact I believe the worst kind of arrogance is arrogance from ignorance. It's when you don't know that you don't know. Now that kind of arrogance is intolerable. If someone is smart and arrogant, we can tolerate that. But if someone is ignorant and arrogant, that's just too much to take.
6. Develop humor without folly. That's important for a leader. In leadership, we learn that it's okay to be witty, but not silly. It's okay to be fun, but not foolish.
Lastly, deal in realities. Deal in truth. Save yourself the agony. Just accept life like it is. Life is unique. Some people call it tragic, but I'd like to think it's unique. The whole drama of life is unique. It's fascinating. And I've found that the skills that work well for one leader may not work at all for another. But the fundamental skills of leadership can be adapted to work well for just about everyone: at work, in the community, and at home.
What's important in leadership is refining your skills. All great leaders keep working on themselves until they become effective. Here are some specifics:
1. Learn to be strong but not rude. It is an extra step you must take to become a powerful, capable leader with a wide range of reach. Some people mistake rudeness for strength. It's not even a good substitute.
2. Learn to be kind but not weak. We must not mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness isn't weak. Kindness is a certain type of strength. We must be kind enough to tell somebody the truth. We must be kind enough and considerate enough to lay it on the line. We must be kind enough to tell it like it is and not deal in delusion.
3. Learn to be bold but not a bully. It takes boldness to win the day. To build your influence, you've got to walk in front of your group. You've got to be willing to take the first arrow, tackle the first problem, discover the first sign of trouble.
4. You've got to learn to be humble, but not timid. You can't get to the high life by being timid. Some people mistake timidity for humility. Humility is almost a Godlike word. A sense of awe. A sense of wonder. An awareness of the human soul and spirit. An understanding that there is something unique about the human drama versus the rest of life. Humility is a grasp of the distance between us and the stars, yet having the feeling that we're part of the stars. So humility is a virtue; but timidity is a disease. Timidity is an affliction. It can be cured, but it is a problem.
5. Be proud but not arrogant. It takes pride to win the day. It takes pride to build your ambition. It takes pride in community. It takes pride in cause, in accomplishment. But the key to becoming a good leader is being proud without being arrogant. In fact I believe the worst kind of arrogance is arrogance from ignorance. It's when you don't know that you don't know. Now that kind of arrogance is intolerable. If someone is smart and arrogant, we can tolerate that. But if someone is ignorant and arrogant, that's just too much to take.
6. Develop humor without folly. That's important for a leader. In leadership, we learn that it's okay to be witty, but not silly. It's okay to be fun, but not foolish.
Lastly, deal in realities. Deal in truth. Save yourself the agony. Just accept life like it is. Life is unique. Some people call it tragic, but I'd like to think it's unique. The whole drama of life is unique. It's fascinating. And I've found that the skills that work well for one leader may not work at all for another. But the fundamental skills of leadership can be adapted to work well for just about everyone: at work, in the community, and at home.
Ten Principles Of Motivation
One of the questions I hear most often from executives is "How do I motivate my employees to do the things I want them to do?"
The answer is: You don't!
We can't motivate people. They are already motivated. But we can determine what motivates them and use this knowledge to channel their energies toward our company goals.
From my 20 years of helping executives solve their people challenges, I've learned a few basic principles about motivation. Let me share them with you:
1.ALL PEOPLE ARE MOTIVATED.
Some people are like water in a faucet. They have the motivation; all you have to provide is the opportunity. The water is already motivated to flow. But it doesn't have the opportunity until you open the tap.
Others are like mountain streams, which flow swiftly but follow their own channels. People, too, may move energetically, but toward their own goals. We in management should make it worth their while to channel their motivations toward the results management is seeking.
2.PEOPLE DO THINGS FOR THEIR REASONS;NOT FOR YOURS OR MINE.
We in management have to show employees what's in it for them when they follow behaviors that benefit the company. We can show them by using rewards and recognition, appealing to their sense of pride and achievement.
3.PEOPLE CHANGE BECAUSE OF PAIN.
When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, people will change. For example, Americans didn't start buying smaller, fuel-efficient automobiles until the pain of high gasoline prices became greater than the pain of switching to less roomy and less powerful cars.
4.THE KEY TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS IDENTIFICATION.
When something becomes personal, it becomes important. When our clients or our employees begin to identify with who we are and what we are, good things begin to happen.
Large corporations have discovered that. Prudential, for example, knows that its customers want to buy security. So it doesn't just sell insurance; it markets peace of mind by inviting all of us to buy "a piece of the rock."
Kodak doesn't sell film; it invites its customers to "trust your memories to Kodak."
AT&T doesn't tell us to make long-distance calls. It asks us to "reach out and touch someone."
In dealing with employees, it isn't enough to appeal to them on the basis of loyalty to the company. They need personal reasons for showing this loyalty. Whether we're instituting a new educational program or undergoing a total restructuring, we can get our employees on board more readily if we show them how the change will affect them for the better.
When my company sets out to lead corporate teams in developing their human-relations skills, we don't tell them what we're going to do for the company. We talk about what we're going to do for the individual. For example, in the introduction to one of our manuals, we tell supervisors:
We've designed this complete educational system to help YOU master the skills of supervisory management and enjoy the rewards of leadership and career enhancement.
From management's standpoint, the training was designed to increase the effectiveness of the organization. That's what sold the company on the program. But from the employee's standpoint, it was to upgrade the skills of the individual. That's what sold the employees on the program.
5.THE BEST WAY TO GET PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU IS TO PAY ATTENTION TO THEM.
That means listening to others and not just hearing them. Listening is active; hearing is passive. If you listen to individuals long enough, they'll tell you what their concerns and problems are.
It's very important that executives listen to their staff and associates. We need to take the time to get to know them, not just by name, but also by their interests and aspirations.
We should try not to come across as interrogators, but ask them friendly questions about how they are, what they did over the week-end, and what they're doing on vacation. Then listen. It's amazing what you'll learn.
6.PRIDE IS A POWERFUL MOTIVATOR.
Everybody is proud of something. If we find out what makes our people proud, we can use that insight to channel their motivation. Pride is tied closely to self-esteem. My friend, Robert W. Darvin, has founded several successful companies, including Scandinavian Design, Inc., and has often used our consulting services and invited me to speak to his people. His observations on self-esteem are worth repeating:
There's only one thing that counts in a business: building the self-esteem of your employees. Nothing else matters, because what they feel about themselves is what they give to your customers. If an employee comes to work not liking his job, not feeling good about himself, you can be sure that your customers will go away not liking or feeling good about your company.
7.YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE; YOU CAN ONLYCHANGE THEIR BEHAVIORS.
To change behavior, you must change feelings and beliefs. This requires more than training. It requires education. When you train people, you just try to teach them a task; when you educate people you deal with them at a deeper level relative to behavior, feelings and beliefs.
8.THE EMPLOYEE'S PERCEPTION BECOMES THE EXECUTIVE'S REALITY.
This is a very important point. When we speak to employees, they don't respond to what we say; they respond to what they understand us to say. When employees observe our behavior, they respond to what they perceive us doing, and will try to emulate us.
Suppose you send an employee to a developmental workshop or seminar and she comes back brimming with new ideas and information. But you haven't been exposed to all this stimulating stuff, so your behavior doesn't change. The employee realizes this and concludes that the behavior she observes in you is the behavior you want. This may not be the case at all. You may want the employee to implement all these new ideas, but your employee's perception is the reality you get.
9.YOU CONSISTENTLY GET THE BEHAVIORS YOU CONSISTENTLY EXPECT AND REINFORCE.
We should look for ways to reward employees for doing the things we want them to do. The reward may take the form of financial incentives, prizes, or simply public recognition of a job well done. Reinforcement can be positive or negative, as my Roundtable partner, Ken Blanchard, has taught us all. If employees learn that a certain type of behavior results in lower earnings, less favorable hours or less desirable territories, they'll adjust their behavioral patterns.
10.WE ALL JUDGE OURSELVES BY OUR MOTIVES; BUT WE JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR ACTIONS.
Put another way, we're inclined to excuse in ourselves behavior that we find unacceptable in others. When our employees are late for work, it's because they're irresponsible and have no interest in their jobs. When we're late for work, it's because we were attending to necessary details that had to be taken care of.
When employees engage in undesirable behavior, we shouldn't try to assess motives or change them. Just deal with the behavior. We can't change the motives of our employees, but through positive or negative reinforcement you can affect their actions.
Follow these principles and you'll find yourself surrounded by motivated employees who are channeling their energies toward your corporate goals -- goals in which they have personal stakes
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